Are expectations TOO HIGH?

By LAURIE HIGGINSCONTRIBUTING WRITERJanuary 13, 2008For most of us, it seems only natural to want our children to haveperfect lives - or at least lives better than our own. This is theAmerican dream, after all.But some people question whether that has lately become too much of afocus. With messages like "Be all that you can be" and "How to succeed?Try hard enough" comes the subtle pressure to be perfect.Not so perfectFamous and influential people who succeeded with learning disabilitiesor mental illness:* Abraham Lincoln - depression* Winston Churchill - bipolar disorder* Charles Dickens - depression* Whoopi Goldberg - learning disabilities* Mike Wallace - depression* Jay Leno - learning disabilities* Cher - learning disabilities* Patty Duke - bipolar disorder* Charles Schwab - learning disabilities * Ludwig van Beethoven - bipolar disorderSource: "Shut Up About Your Perfect Kid!" by Gina Gallagher and PatriciaKonjoianAnd if you or your children aren't perfect, you'd better at least fakeit.That's easier for some of us to do than others.Few people know that better than the parent of a child with a disabilityor mental illness. Massachusetts sisters Gina (Terrasi) Gallagher andPatricia (Terrasi) Konjoian faced that issue head on, deciding to stickup for their less-than-perfect kids and fight back against ourperfection-crazed society. The result: last year's book "Shut Up About... Your Perfect Kid! The Movement of 'Imperfection.'"Gallagher is the mother of two, including 12-year-old Katie, who hasAsperger's syndrome, a neurological condition that is a form of autism.Konjoian is a mother of three whose 14-year-old daughter, Jennifer, hasbipolar disorder, a mental illness characterized by alternating episodesof mania and depression. Chapters in the book, which they describe as"the best medicine for parents of 'imperfect' kids without the scaryside effects," include "Anything Your Kid Can Do, Mine Can DoDifferently" with such subtitles as "Why wasn't there a lifeguard in ourfamily gene pool?"Both admit to having hard days or even weeks. But rather than sinkinginto despair, they decided to use their senses of humor, which have comein handy for parenting, to write the book."The message we get all the time (from other parents with 'imperfect'children) is if you don't laugh, you're going to cry," Gallagher, wholives in Marlborough, explains in a conference-call telephone interview."It's far healthier to laugh. And in no way are we laughing at our kids.It's just I think autistic children in general are very funny. Thethings they comment on, the way they look at the world, is just sounique and fresh and interesting."The book - with a "Shut Up" title considered shocking enough that thesuperintendent of the (intentionally unnamed) school district nearAndover, where Konjoian lives, will not allow them to speak on schoolproperty - is designed to show the reader how to get past the label thatchildren who are different might have. Instead, their stories and thoseof other families they have met along the way, show that the childrenshould be seen as unique individuals whose accomplishments are plentyworthy of pride.For all parentsIt is a message that resonates for all parents, actually, because, ifwe're honest, we have all had moments when our kids have disappointed usor not lived up to our expectations. It could be a dad who was the starquarterback in high school with a son who would rather play the violin,or a mom who loves shopping sitting in the car tapping the horn to gether skinned-knee daughter out of the tree and out to the mall.Carol Nickerson of Chatham, a licensed social worker, says parenting canbe challenging for many reasons, and humor and honesty are helpful indealing with the inherent frustrations of the job. A lot of parents arereluctant to admit, even to themselves, that their kids aren't perfect,she says."I've found in general that people are kind of reluctant to say thatthey're disappointed. People are hesitant to say, 'Oh my gosh, Icouldn't stand my kid today,'" Nickerson says. "I feel it's reallyimportant to be able to say, 'You know, sometimes I daydream about nothaving kids.' Those are all really normal thoughts and feelings. Itdoesn't mean you shouldn't have kids or are not good parents. It doesn'tmean we don't love our children."Another issue that Nickerson has noticed in her career working withfamilies is how often we judge our own parenting based on how our kidsturn out. She has found that families with special-needs children areeven more vulnerable to these feelings, even if the special need isgenetic and something they had no control over.Konjoian says she certainly felt that guilt. For her, finally getting adiagnosis of bipolar disorder for her daughter was a huge relief."As difficult as it was to hear that my child had a serious mentalillness, at the same time it was like, thank you. Thank you. This isn'tanything that I did wrong," she says.Emotional spongesSince the book was published, Gallagher and Konjoian have traveled allover the state and even other parts of the country giving talks aboutraising "imperfect" children. Audiences are responding to the messagenot only because of the humor, but also because being honest about theirkids and their feelings can be liberating for the authors and for theiraudience."People are put very at ease by our message, and not only are theytalking about their 'imperfect children,' but they're able to laugh atthemselves, which is great," Konjoian says.Brewster therapist Pat Gubbins, father of four, says the pressure to beperfect is unhealthy for children and can create anxiety disorders."Our kids are emotional sponges. I think if you put that kind ofpressure - that it's not OK who you are, it's what we need you to be -the kids hear that loud and clear," he says. "This emotional stuff -that's the bath that they're living in. So if you poison the water, evenif you do it in subtle ways, they're going to react really strongly."In Gubbins' opinion, a child-centric, perfection-crazed society is nothealthy for anyone."Who says getting into the best college is what it's all about? There'sso much pressure, but if you get in the best college, then do you haveto get the best job? Then do you have to make the most money and workthe most hours? That's the key to unhappiness," he says.The bottom line for Gallagher and Konjoian is that they hope parentswill feel less alone in their struggles and accept their children,imperfections and all."We're just asking parents to not judge their children by society'sridiculous standards or even by their own standards, but just love yourchildren for who they are," Gallagher says.Consider the childHow to know if you're pushing your kids too hard to perform:Social worker Carol Nickerson says some kids need a little push fromtheir parents to help them do as well as they can, but others do betterif parents back off. The key to finding the right balance is to considerthe uniqueness of your own child. Points to consider:* What is your child's temperament? * What is your child's learning style? * What have your child's life experiences been? * How can you tell when your child is feeling stressed out?